I am almost a decade older than you and had less financial insecurity, although lots of emotional and interpersonal twists and turns growing up. My mom has always been a hugely important, if somehow unreachable, person in my life. She gave so much to so many and I often felt lost in the shuffle of needier people because she'd raised me to be self-reliant. The last 5 years have been a time of reconciling that feeling and finally spending some time together. It has been incredibly healing. In May she was admitted to the hospital for what was supposed to be a minor infection and passed away very unexpectedly. My summer plans went from spending lots of time with her to trying to settle her estate before the hectic pace of teaching Kindergarten comes back in September. Thank you for writing this piece. It helped me get to some of the grief that sits just below the surface of my heart every day. I find it emotionally easier to stay busy and distracted, but I need to get some tears out every once in a while. I am so glad you made it through all those years and that you share your ideas and perspectives with this band of weary, cheery ragamuffins who have found you.
This should be mandatory reading for every highschooler. The teen years are a rough time for many, but it CAN GET BETTER and almost always does. And if it isn't getting better, there's always somebody out there who can help. No matter how deep a pit you feel you are in, it is possible to climb out of it and it is possible to find someone to help lift you out. Keep being your awesome self Nathan!
First, happy 40th birthday to you. My son just turned 40, so perhaps I'm roughly your parents' age. This letter is both heartening and heart-breaking. The things you've been through to get to where you are now. I'd love if you'd come to Atlantic Canada, specifically Nova Scotia, for a show or 3. You can take a ferry from Bar Harbor, Maine. I have your books and have read them both more than once.
Thank you to 18-year-old you for staying. The world is a richer place for it!
I found you in the last few years on Facebook. I loved following you, and I ordered Russian Sleeper Cell as soon as it came out. A month ago, my best friend told me about this writer she ran across on Substack, and he is so funny. Then she starts to give me the bio, and I said, Nathan Monk! She was so surprised I knew of you. I told her I was signed up for Stormy and she signed up, too. The audio was no good for our ears in their mid 70s, but we’re counting on another opportunity. I offered her my book, but she commented, You mean I have to hold it! That’s another problem for a quilter’s carpel tunnel wrists. We’re old enough to be your mom and then some. Mali will read this, but I’ll send you both our best wishes on your 40th Birthday, you sweet young thing. Thanks for hanging around and working so hard to better all the communities you’ve impacted. You’ve made my life richer simply by reading what you trust us to know. Be well!💙
Happy birthday, Nathan. This moved me to tears and I’m so grateful for it and you. Thank you for everything you do and everything you are. I’m so glad you’re still in the world. It is better for your presence.
Happy Birthday! So happy I discovered you. I hope you get your birthday wish. My son was born in 1984. We were lousy parents. I’ve tried amending for what I can. My children have accomplished more than we ever could or would and it’s all because of who they are.
The generations of abuse and neglect had to stop. I struggled but they are better for it and so am I. I still have regrets but I would have never guessed I would be where I am today 50 years ago when I was holding the blade.
My little brother was more impulsive than I. He didn’t survive it. He succeeded at suicide. I miss him and wish he may have thought about the future a little bit more. That’s hard though when in the grips of despair and hopelessness. These are the events that get me to question God.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. This brought a tear to my eye. I look forward to your essays.
Happy Birthday! I loved reading this. It is a nice reminder of how things can really suck sometimes but, it will get better. My 30s have been so much better than my 20s and I hope that trend continues.
Happy 40th you amazing human. You are who we should all strive to emulate. I'm glad that kid stuck around. On really bad days he actually keeps me going. Thank him for me and I'm sure a lot of others. ❤️
Thank you, Father Monk. You have a most beautiful mind, heart, and soul. Your raw honesty never fails to impress me. I am 69 years young and grateful that I too turned the blade away.
One of every five teenagers considers suicide. So do 2 in 5 queer and/or nonbinary teenagers. That's not far from half. I made it past my teens but did not come out of the closet until I was 23 years old and still a virgin.
I was so beat down by Catholicism that though Pope John Paul II would libel me intrinsically evil for being gay, I cheered him along with 19,000 Archdiocese teens at Madison Square Garden in 1979.
*
At 25 I first ideated climbing stairs to take flight from the 15-story high roof to my 1 BR sublet in Stuy-Town, NYC.
As I walked to start my climb, I found a note slipped under my door from a best friend at the time, Tanaquil.
Angered yet understanding my desperation she knew what path I contemplated. Her handwritten note I have here in my current home but cannot find it as I write. Below is my paraphrase of what Tanaquil, never one to beat around the bush, wrote to me knowing somehow what I contemplated as my "final solution":
"Dear Tony:
Go ahead. Take your life if you want, but you will be accomplishing by your own hand the lynching so many White folks want to be our final solution.”
Tanaquil ended with how she would be there for me—always. She wanted to help.
That did not stop my suicide ideation.
That lasted for weeks, but it stopped me that day from taking the road taken by my Aunt Mary less than a decade before.
In or around 1978, Auntie, bipolar at 38, leapt to her death from her tenement's roof.
*
In 1989, I was 25 when my first lover and then ex, Stu, would die.
Pock marked by Kaposi sarcoma—the “AIDS cancer”—Stu hacked in vain to expel bacteria from pneumocystis carinii—"AIDS pneumonia"—shutting down his lungs.
Trashed modern-day lepers no matter HIV status, many a gay man considered suicide painless as did I.
*
My contagion?
Not HIV but my sexual orientation.
That's what the Catholics of my youth taught me. At my baptism they deemed me saved based on no more than words whispered—and water blessed—by a priest.
Decades later my Church would canonize a bigot, John Paul II, who via a papal edict literally declared in God's eyes I was "intrinsically evil."
Today, I tack atheist.
*
I think it was Bill, another ex who, in 1989 or thereabouts, opened the door and found me unbathed in a dark room after pleading with the landlord to give him a key.
But it was a village that saved me.
My newish friend, Ann, invited me to Boston.
“Tony,” she said, “Your only task is to get on a bus to Boston. Our basement apartment is yours for as long as you need.”
Her offer reminded me that to both of her kids, Alex (8) and Liza (6) I was not just friend but some kind of hero after helping to lead an anti-apartheid pro hunger strike and blockade at Columbia University.
What final solution might I offer to Liza, to Alex?
Suicide painless for me, wasn't for others.
Suicide prevention week soon is nigh—Sept 8th-14th.
Share Father Nathan's story, with a teenager, perhaps a queer one.
This is one of the most beautiful, eloquent, and deeply moving things I’ve ever read. You are a remarkable human being, and a blessing to those with whom you share your thoughts. Thank you!
This was difficult to read not because of the content, but because of the tears that kept welling up in my eyes. This was beautiful, not to mention inspiring. I am glad you have found a measure of happiness after so much tribulation. I wish for something similar in my own life.
Happiest of birthdays to you! The world is such a better place with you in it! You continue to inspire me everyday and I am eternally grateful! Many years ! Mnogaya lyeta! I make metania before you and kiss your right hand.
I am almost a decade older than you and had less financial insecurity, although lots of emotional and interpersonal twists and turns growing up. My mom has always been a hugely important, if somehow unreachable, person in my life. She gave so much to so many and I often felt lost in the shuffle of needier people because she'd raised me to be self-reliant. The last 5 years have been a time of reconciling that feeling and finally spending some time together. It has been incredibly healing. In May she was admitted to the hospital for what was supposed to be a minor infection and passed away very unexpectedly. My summer plans went from spending lots of time with her to trying to settle her estate before the hectic pace of teaching Kindergarten comes back in September. Thank you for writing this piece. It helped me get to some of the grief that sits just below the surface of my heart every day. I find it emotionally easier to stay busy and distracted, but I need to get some tears out every once in a while. I am so glad you made it through all those years and that you share your ideas and perspectives with this band of weary, cheery ragamuffins who have found you.
This should be mandatory reading for every highschooler. The teen years are a rough time for many, but it CAN GET BETTER and almost always does. And if it isn't getting better, there's always somebody out there who can help. No matter how deep a pit you feel you are in, it is possible to climb out of it and it is possible to find someone to help lift you out. Keep being your awesome self Nathan!
First, happy 40th birthday to you. My son just turned 40, so perhaps I'm roughly your parents' age. This letter is both heartening and heart-breaking. The things you've been through to get to where you are now. I'd love if you'd come to Atlantic Canada, specifically Nova Scotia, for a show or 3. You can take a ferry from Bar Harbor, Maine. I have your books and have read them both more than once.
Thank you to 18-year-old you for staying. The world is a richer place for it!
-Tina Jardine, Nova Scotia, Canada
I found you in the last few years on Facebook. I loved following you, and I ordered Russian Sleeper Cell as soon as it came out. A month ago, my best friend told me about this writer she ran across on Substack, and he is so funny. Then she starts to give me the bio, and I said, Nathan Monk! She was so surprised I knew of you. I told her I was signed up for Stormy and she signed up, too. The audio was no good for our ears in their mid 70s, but we’re counting on another opportunity. I offered her my book, but she commented, You mean I have to hold it! That’s another problem for a quilter’s carpel tunnel wrists. We’re old enough to be your mom and then some. Mali will read this, but I’ll send you both our best wishes on your 40th Birthday, you sweet young thing. Thanks for hanging around and working so hard to better all the communities you’ve impacted. You’ve made my life richer simply by reading what you trust us to know. Be well!💙
Happy birthday, Nathan. This moved me to tears and I’m so grateful for it and you. Thank you for everything you do and everything you are. I’m so glad you’re still in the world. It is better for your presence.
Happy Birthday! So happy I discovered you. I hope you get your birthday wish. My son was born in 1984. We were lousy parents. I’ve tried amending for what I can. My children have accomplished more than we ever could or would and it’s all because of who they are.
The generations of abuse and neglect had to stop. I struggled but they are better for it and so am I. I still have regrets but I would have never guessed I would be where I am today 50 years ago when I was holding the blade.
My little brother was more impulsive than I. He didn’t survive it. He succeeded at suicide. I miss him and wish he may have thought about the future a little bit more. That’s hard though when in the grips of despair and hopelessness. These are the events that get me to question God.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. This brought a tear to my eye. I look forward to your essays.
Many happy returns ☀️
Nathan, I read you from the dawn of my 70th year, and I’m so proud of you. It is a gift to read your words.
Happy Birthday! I loved reading this. It is a nice reminder of how things can really suck sometimes but, it will get better. My 30s have been so much better than my 20s and I hope that trend continues.
Happy 40th you amazing human. You are who we should all strive to emulate. I'm glad that kid stuck around. On really bad days he actually keeps me going. Thank him for me and I'm sure a lot of others. ❤️
Thank you, Father Monk. You have a most beautiful mind, heart, and soul. Your raw honesty never fails to impress me. I am 69 years young and grateful that I too turned the blade away.
Happy Birthday! This is a great way to start the day! Sending you all the love! Hugs! Ann❤️🎉🎂🎈🥳 Thank you for staying, too!!!
One of every five teenagers considers suicide. So do 2 in 5 queer and/or nonbinary teenagers. That's not far from half. I made it past my teens but did not come out of the closet until I was 23 years old and still a virgin.
I was so beat down by Catholicism that though Pope John Paul II would libel me intrinsically evil for being gay, I cheered him along with 19,000 Archdiocese teens at Madison Square Garden in 1979.
*
At 25 I first ideated climbing stairs to take flight from the 15-story high roof to my 1 BR sublet in Stuy-Town, NYC.
As I walked to start my climb, I found a note slipped under my door from a best friend at the time, Tanaquil.
Angered yet understanding my desperation she knew what path I contemplated. Her handwritten note I have here in my current home but cannot find it as I write. Below is my paraphrase of what Tanaquil, never one to beat around the bush, wrote to me knowing somehow what I contemplated as my "final solution":
"Dear Tony:
Go ahead. Take your life if you want, but you will be accomplishing by your own hand the lynching so many White folks want to be our final solution.”
Tanaquil ended with how she would be there for me—always. She wanted to help.
That did not stop my suicide ideation.
That lasted for weeks, but it stopped me that day from taking the road taken by my Aunt Mary less than a decade before.
In or around 1978, Auntie, bipolar at 38, leapt to her death from her tenement's roof.
*
In 1989, I was 25 when my first lover and then ex, Stu, would die.
Pock marked by Kaposi sarcoma—the “AIDS cancer”—Stu hacked in vain to expel bacteria from pneumocystis carinii—"AIDS pneumonia"—shutting down his lungs.
Trashed modern-day lepers no matter HIV status, many a gay man considered suicide painless as did I.
*
My contagion?
Not HIV but my sexual orientation.
That's what the Catholics of my youth taught me. At my baptism they deemed me saved based on no more than words whispered—and water blessed—by a priest.
Decades later my Church would canonize a bigot, John Paul II, who via a papal edict literally declared in God's eyes I was "intrinsically evil."
Today, I tack atheist.
*
I think it was Bill, another ex who, in 1989 or thereabouts, opened the door and found me unbathed in a dark room after pleading with the landlord to give him a key.
But it was a village that saved me.
My newish friend, Ann, invited me to Boston.
“Tony,” she said, “Your only task is to get on a bus to Boston. Our basement apartment is yours for as long as you need.”
Her offer reminded me that to both of her kids, Alex (8) and Liza (6) I was not just friend but some kind of hero after helping to lead an anti-apartheid pro hunger strike and blockade at Columbia University.
What final solution might I offer to Liza, to Alex?
Suicide painless for me, wasn't for others.
Suicide prevention week soon is nigh—Sept 8th-14th.
Share Father Nathan's story, with a teenager, perhaps a queer one.
Also, consider sharing my own story: https://tonyglover.substack.com/p/suicide-prevention-week-is-sept-8th
It DOES get better.
This is one of the most beautiful, eloquent, and deeply moving things I’ve ever read. You are a remarkable human being, and a blessing to those with whom you share your thoughts. Thank you!
This was difficult to read not because of the content, but because of the tears that kept welling up in my eyes. This was beautiful, not to mention inspiring. I am glad you have found a measure of happiness after so much tribulation. I wish for something similar in my own life.
Happy birthday Nathan. I'm glad you are here. <3
Happiest of birthdays to you! The world is such a better place with you in it! You continue to inspire me everyday and I am eternally grateful! Many years ! Mnogaya lyeta! I make metania before you and kiss your right hand.