It was my very first Easter Sunday as a newly ordained priest, and I was very nervous. While preparing my notes for my sermon, I was hit with a sudden panic: none of the stories lined up, and worst of all, the math wasn’t correct either.
Jesus wasn’t buried for three whole days, as I had been taught. He was basically out of the office for like a day and a half. Now, we can talk a whole lot about local customs and how days are tabulated, and if the “next day” is determined by when you actually went to bed or if you’ve passed the midnight threshold, or if it is sunset. But let me just tell you, there is nothing worse than finding yourself having an existential crisis about the resurrection hours before you are supposed to go preach your very first sermon on the subject.
Fortunately, I picked up the phone and called my wife to hash it out with her, and, as it turns out, that was the most Biblically response I could have had.
Unholy Sh+t: An Irreverent Bible Study
Easter Sunday
Today’s reading: John 20:1-9
Alright, we can debate a lot about whether Jesus was real or not or the myriad of literary issues with the Bible. All and all, it’s just not a well-written book or that entertaining of a story by pretty much anyone's definition. That all being said, you have to admit Jesus rising from the dead is a pretty stellar third act. Like, just imagine it from the perspective of the Romans. You go through all this trouble killing some dude you think might be about to do a little uprising, and then BAM! He’s respawned, and his superpowers have actually leveled up.
It’s clear they were setting this up for a multiverse franchise *cue I’m a Survivor by Destiny’s Child*
There are so many things to focus on with the Easter story: like that resurrection of Jesus caused a mass resurrection of the dead, and now the undead were roaming the city (Matthew 27:52-53), or that Judas also died, so that means him and Jesus probably had a pretty awkward conversation in the afterlife after Jesus descended to Hades, aka the Harrowing of Hell (Ephesians 4:9, 1 Pet. 3:18–20.) But as fascinating as all these points are to ponder, can we just take a moment to talk about the real heroes of this story: the women.
The fact that women are barred from the priesthood is absurd on multiple levels, beginning with that Mary, the Mother of Jesus, is quite literally the first priest and original chalice to carry the body and blood of Jesus and that the first blood Jesus spilt was in conjunction with the Theotokos when the umbilical cord was cut. The whole function of the priesthood is to bring forth the body and blood of Christ. I wonder who did that first? Mary’s womb first held the body and blood of Christ. The priest is supposed to present the body of Christ to the people, and, you guessed it, Mary did that first, too.
But one of the most bizarre head-scratchers of them all is the story of the resurrection.
Jesus dies on Good Friday, and his disciples scatter. Judas betrayed Jesus and then made an early exit. Peter flat-out denied even knowing the guy, not once, but THRICE! (Ew, Peter!) The entire apostle boys club hides out for fear of what might happen to them (Mark 14:50, Matt 26:56, John 20:19). They are literally cowering behind locked doors, afraid that at any moment, they too will be arrested.
This isn’t novel information, most of us were told in Sunday School that Jesus’ friends abandoned him after his death, but this isn’t true. His fair-weather friends abandoned him, but those who truly cared stuck it out.
Enter the first Evangelist of the Gospel: Mary Magdalene.
While the fishermen turned fishers of men are holed up in some bunker sh+tting themselves, the women folk are reading to go face down the Roman guards at the tomb to anoint Jesus’ body. I can not stress enough that the dudes are literally hiding from the cops, and these ladies are hiking up their skirts and just walking right into the thick of it.
The women arrive at the tomb, and Jesus isn’t there. At first, there is some commotion, but eventually, Jesus is all, “jk, it’s me; I’ve come back from the dead. Go and tell everyone I’m alive.” So Mary Magdalene and all the other Marys head to go tell the apostles. Which, I assume, means they had to do all their secret knocks so that these cowards open the door, and they are all, “Good news: Jesus is alive!”
(sidebar: Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute. Not that there is any problem with being one; SW is real work. But it’s just factually inaccurate. Long story short, some Pope mistakenly attributed this profession to her, and it stuck. In reality, Mary Magdalene was an independently wealthy woman and a benefactor of Jesus.)
Now, here is the kicker: they don’t believe them. Yes, eventually, Peter and John have a running contest to see who can get to the tomb first, but overall, the first reaction is disbelief. This whole disbelieving thing just keeps moving around even to the most notorious of disbelievers, poor ol’ Thomas (we will get to him later in the series).
But what really grinds my gears about the whole Easter story is that after a woman is the first priest and women who are the first evangelists and preachers, these no-good hiding, backstabbing traitors have the audacity to turn around to these women and essentially say, “alright ladies, we will take it from here” and then just straight up cut them out of the whole priesthood thing.
If Mary Magdalene had listened to the likes of Paul with his whole, “I do not permit women to preach blah blah blah my wife left me, so I’m taking it out on all women” nonsense, then not a single motherf+cker would even know Jesus was alive. But thanks to Mary Magdalene, we do know. This earned her the title: Apostles to the Apostles.
For nearly two thousand years, Christians have celebrated Easter; for most of that time, it has been exclusively men standing behind the pulpit and altar proclaiming the Good News that Christ is risen, but they only know that because of a woman. The body of Christ is only present because of a woman. If anything, every Easter Sunday service around the world should be exclusively preached by women.
This Easter, as you walk around saying “Christ is Risen,” I would like to propose a new liturgical response other than, “He is risen indeed. Alleluia.” I think we should change it to, “As the women told us. Alleluia!”
Unholy Sh+t: the women storm the castle
True story. Years ago I was teaching a Bible study to women about the beauty of women. An associate pastor called me and asked to meet me where he proceeded to tell me that I could not use the book I intended to use because “women will hear this and want to take over the church.” Today as I type those words I’m almost 20 years older and wiser, but that day I remember feeling shame and grief, along with anger. It was asinine, in my mind, to think that women seeking God through scripture would want to take over the church. Ahh but he knew what I didn’t. It wasn’t a takeover that was stirring, but rather a breakout. As I read this on Easter Sunday, tears welled and my heart leapt. Men who acknowledge the value of women don’t become less masculine or overrun, they become respected and loved, friends and partners, trusted. Thank you for being willing to “be sent to the rack” for us.
This might seem like an aside, but I am moved to also bring up the original meaning of the term "virgin" before Patriarchy, Inc. turned it into "a woman who has never had sex." We actually get this term from the Vestal Virgins, or women who were PRIESTESSES of the Goddess Vesta. The term refers to the way they completely devoted themselves to their work in service of their deity, and had nothing at all to do with sex. It just so happened that, as part of their vows, they did refrain from all sex, as sex outside of marriage was forbidden and severely punished in Rome. However, that word referred to their devoton to their role and duties, and not to the sex itself. It didn't take the most brilliant sleight-of-hand to shift that meaning over and commandeer it, which sort of killed two birds with one stone: It simultaneously hurt the status of women for the remainder of history, AND did the same with regard to Paganism as a whole.