Unholy Sh+t: the time that Jesus got his invitation to wizard school

In the Orthodox Church, the epiphany is called theophany. It is traditionally celebrated by a cross tossed into icy waters. Once the cross is submerged, people rush into the freezing tides to retrieve it. Incidentally, one of the last photos of me as a priest was taken during this celebration. The photo had a purple lens flair resembling a cross hovering above my head. Another priest on the other side of the country had a similar lens flair in their photo from Theophany, so I shared the two images.

I got in a lot of trouble when I posted these images because I was accused of trying to appear miraculous. That incident was one of many that ultimately led to my leaving the church. Listening to these men, who sold an idea of the divine, get so mad, so sure that the divine doesn’t intersect with our lives now; I realized these weren’t men of faith.

I know it was just a lens flair—they happen all the time. I didn’t suddenly receive the stigmata as a result. But the broader discussion that happened changed me forever. I’m not 100% sure what I think about most things anymore. But I know listening to priests and bishops explain to me how the miraculous once existed but no longer made me realize this institution had devolved into something other than a system of faith.

Faith scared them. They didn’t want faith; they wanted compliance.

I like to think of us all on a Magi’s journey. We don’t have answers, we are just looking up at the stars with questions and searching for a version of the truth that fits our soul best.

Unholy Sh+t: An Irreverent Bible Study

Epiphany

Today’s Reading: Matthew 2:1-12

Almost every nativity scene you have ever gazed upon is a downright f+cking lie. Camels, fine. Sheep, no problem. A little drummer boy, a bit much, but whatever. But those three dudes in turbans were not present at the birth of Jesus. Just about everything you think you know about the wise men is wrong and rooted in capitalistic Christmas bullsh+t and also probably to hide the fact that the story of Jesus begins with Gandolf, Merlin, and Dr. Strange showing up (see how easy it is to leave She Who Shall Not Be Named out of things?) Anyway, these dudes have been called everything from kings to wise men or even magi, but the point is really not driven home that they were stargazing wizards *puts on sunglasses* on a mission from God. Oh, and there definitely weren’t three of them.

The magi were likely a group of priests from one of the most ancient religious practices in the world known as Zoroastrianism, based upon the prophet Zoroaster. It is an Iranian faith, and these guys are legendary. The priests devoted the majority of their lives to cosmology and astronomy. In many ways, these folks were considered both wizards and scientists. They studied the stars and their patterns in an attempt to make sense of the cycles of the universe.

According to Matthew, the only gospel that mentions this incident, the magi are studying the stars and are alerted that the Messiah is on the horizon. These guys decide to travel cross-country to visit the newborn king. The magi present a massive theological problem for the Church because when you spent a couple hundred years trying to burn, drown, and generally eradicate witches, it doesn’t help to have the main story of the birth of your God being ushered in by peasant farm workers and seers from the middle east with badass names like Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar. So the Church did a little bit of a clean-up act at some point, diminishing them from the status of sorcerer to measly royally.

Part of the problem that the Church faces with the existence of the Magi is that no one attempts to convert them away from their evil ways. This opens wide the door for the dangers of universalism because why are these heathens from another faith coming to worship the new king and then save his life by straight up lying to Herod? Which, allegedly, is also a sin. Then again, I don’t think personally it’s actually a sin to lie to dictators, but I am also not god, and They seem so persnickety about the whole lying thing, except when they are doing it. We will get to that later.

The magi not being present at the birth, and therefore not part of the nativity, is fascinating because the story implies that they aren’t alerted of the events until the star appears. There are many speculations about when they might have arrived. Some theorize that it was a mere twelve days after the birth of Jesus, which is about the amount of time it would have taken them to travel from Persia to Bethlehem. Assuming that they saw the star at the moment of Jesus’ birth, quickly packed up the crew, and got on their way ASAP, they would have arrived in just under two weeks. There is also speculation that their arrival was almost two years after the birth of Jesus. No matter which way you cut it or how you do the math, what is certain is that they were not knee-high in placenta while standing next to goats.

Oh, right! Also, there weren’t three of them. I mean, I guess it's possible that there were only three because anything is possible, and also, I wasn’t there, but it is unlikely. Typically, the Magi would travel in groups of fifty or more. How the wise guys were reduced to just three is likely as simple as mentioning the gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh *sprays Windex* three gifts, three wise men, there you go! Initially, the iconography of the wise men would show twelve guys, likely to do with the twelve days of Christmas and the twelve days of travel. However, this was reduced again because it is easier to draw three people than twelve or fifty. Much of what we have come to understand about the wise men are the inventions of artists and not theologians. Mainly because the theologians didn’t want to be burned at the stake out her simping for magicians.

However, as an absolute simp for witches, I will do precisely that.

Growing up, I was always told that the three gifts have a spiritual meaning. That the gold symbolized his kingship here on earth and the frankincense of his divinity and that the myrrh was an embalming oil used for some spooky foreshadowing. Because nothing says, “Merry Christmas and a happy birthday, you are going to die!” However, more recent scholarship has begun to elude to a more practical use for these three gifts; they are medicinal. All three of them were used for after-birth care. If this theory holds true, this would likely place the magi as arriving shortly after his birth as opposed to two years later. Either way, it makes much more sense that a group of witches had medicinal oils and metals to bring to a new mother than to give ominous spoiler alerts about the soon-to-be dead kid they are coming to visit. I guess what I am saying is that it’s more likely that Mary, as a new mom, got caught up in essential oils for a bit.

The astrologers finding Jesus first really presents a problem for ultra-conservative Christians who think that the zodiac is evil. How can it be a good thing for the magi and a big no-no for you to read your weekday horoscope? And does this mean that other religions are fine because the Zoroastrians were devout to their own practices, and we don’t see them abandon this? This is also a major blow to the belief that Jesus was born in December because absolutely no Capricorn is going to die for someone else sins, amirite?

Those pesky missing years are the final thorn in the side of the church with a bunch of wizards going on a road trip to meet Jesus. You know, the ones I am talking about, where Jesus essentially scrubs himself from all social media and is gone from basically the age of twelve to twenty-nine. What was he doing? I mean, I think the most logical answer to that question is that he was doing rabbinical studies. He appears at the temple at age twelve and seems to really wow the audience there, mostly rabbis. The likelihood that one of them scooped him up as an apprentice is really high. It was common for a rabbi to emerge for his solo career around thirty, and so it all tracks pretty well.

Then again… Jesus arrives on the scene with the powers of necromancy, can wither fig trees with the snap of a finger, does parlor tricks at multiple large functions, and then walks on water literally just for fun. I don’t think it would be a big stretch to wonder if Jesus ran off to wizard school. No one really knows, but what we can say for certain, well, as certain as you can be about anything in the Bible, is that the wise men received their wisdom from the stars. They were powerful wizards, scientists, and astronomers because they saw a star in the sky that had not been seen since the last time a king of great power had been born. Astonished, they proclaimed, “This reminds me of the babe!”

What babe, you ask?

The babe with the power!