Unholy Sh+t: The First Temptation of Christ

I was probably about six years old when I asked my mom if she would buy me some candy from the store. She said no, which was obviously unjust. When she wasn’t looking, I put the candy in my pocket. She finished her shopping, and we left.

Not being a particularly seasoned thief, I pulled the candy out to eat it before we even got to the car. She stopped me before I had the chance and asked me where I got the candy from, and I proudly explained that I had stolen it. She made me go back in and admit my crime to the manager.

That day I learned two lessons. First, if I were Adam, I would have totally failed, and we would have ended up in the same mess. Second, my mom is a narc.

Unholy Sh+t: An Irreverent Bible Study

First Sunday of Lent 

Today’s reading: Matthew 4:1-11

We begin the season of Lent with one of the most bizarre stories in the Bible (and that’s a long list to be a leader in!) The temptation of Christ in the desert. Now, if you aren’t familiar with the story or maybe haven’t heard it in a while, allow me to summarize:

Jesus goes to Jordon to be baptized by his cousin John the Baptist. When he arrives, John is all, “dude, you’re my cuz; you can’t be the Messiah.” And Jesus is all, “surprise, b+tch.” Then John is suddenly humbled by this response and says something like, “I’m not even worthy enough to touch your kicks, bro.” John commences with the baptizing of Jesus, and then BAM, big guns himself, shows up: the Notorious G.O.D. And He says, “that’s my boy!” End scene. (Matthew 3:13-17)

Now that you are caught up, from there Jesus immediately leaves the crowd and goes into the desert for forty days and forty nights for a story so laced with symbology that even Agent Smecker had to take a stab at the Last Temptation.

Have you ever read poetry that has been translated from another language and been entirely confused only for the snob, who was the one who forced you to read this poetry in the first place, to then smugly say, “it’s really better in its original language.” Like, what were you supposed to do? Stop what you are doing right now and learn how to speak that language just to read this poem. Well, I’m gonna be that guy for a minute.

When the Gospels were written, the authors weren’t planning on this becoming such a hit. They could have never anticipated that it would be translated into nearly every language in the world. As such, there are many moments when the authors make certain parallels that just get lost in translation, and the temptation of Christ is one of them. For example, in Matthew’s telling, the temptation perfectly parallels the first part of Deuteronomy, where Moses explains the struggles of the Israelites as they wandered in the desert themselves. They were also tempted many times. (Deuteronomy 8:3, 6:13, and 6:16)

So there you have your first big symbolic moment in the story. Forty days, 40 years? Who’s counting! But the temptations themselves parallel as well. 

This brings us way back to another little temptation, the OG temptation if you will. 

We begin our story “In the beginning…” (🎶 a very good place to start🎶) when Adam and Eve are tempted by the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Of course, they didn’t understand the assignment, and now we have clothing, bugs, and periods. So let’s all stop and give a big round of applause to our greatest of great-grandparents for that one. 

Jesus is first tempted with food. Now, if you know anything about Jesus, he LOVES himself some food and gets quite cranky when he doesn’t have food. I imagine by this point, Jesus is very hangry saying no at this moment is pretty profound, but him not exploding Satan is divine. This is the dude who withered a fig for just being out of season. This moment parallels two previous events of temptation: the tree of knowledge and manna in the desert. Jesus rejects the trap.

Now, we talk a lot about Jesus as a sacrifice, but the sacrifice comes in stages, and this is the first step. Jesus has now passed the test that was previously failed. He doesn’t fall prey to the temptations of the Devil. Not for food, not to show off his power by jumping off a building, and not the final temptation to just give up on this messiah business and just be a dictator of all the kingdoms of the world.

Now, I think it’s pretty interesting to take a moment here to note that the temptation of Christ is one of the earliest literary debates among theologians. Many argue whether this story is a parable or a literal one. Did the events happen exactly as told, or is it a story describing the feeling of temptation? Thomas Aquinas argued that Jesus was maybe not tempted as literally as some of his peers felt he may have been. Ultimately, the Catholic Church has ruled it's an absolute fact, and the story happened exactly as written, and we know they are always right, so I guess that solves that then. 

I was once asked in a Bible study, “if Jesus is God and Satan can’t be in the presence of God, then how come Satan could tempt Jesus by talking to him?” The easy answer would be, “because Jesus was in the form of a man at the time,” but do y’all want the real answer? Alright, I’ll give you the real answer! Because the Devil absolutely can be in the presence of God, and you were lied to your entire life. 

Let’s look at another biblical temptation: the story of poor ol’ Job.

The story of Job begins with God just up in heaven doing whatever God does, and the angels show up for a roll call. First, we have Harmony, and then Chastity, and the *checks notes* Satan? That’s right! Satan just walks right up to God, and they have a whole conversation and place a bet on how Job will react. So you were absolutely lied to, and God can, in fact, be in the presence of evil, even the absolute evil. (Job 1:6-12)

Jesus passed the test and left the desert to then begin his ministry and fulfill his purpose as the New Adam, having not fallen to the same fate of temptation as the prototype. 

A little-known fact from the temptation narrative in Mark is that Jesus is also canon as a Disney princess because immediately following the temptation, the wild animals attend to him in the desert. (Mark 1:13)

So whether the story is literal or a fairytale with woodland creatures, the message is the same. Jesus was willing to deny himself to help others at any cost.