I lost a 14 month old child to neuroblastoma. If you don't know about neuroblastoma, look it up, and you will see why I was not on speaking terms with God for quite a while. It is a cancer that only affects babies and small children. Sometimes it spontaneously gets better. Mostly, it doesn't. In our case, it found new and unusual ways to be evil before the final act. And yes, in addition to the, "God just needed a new angel in heaven" stuff, we got, "Maybe you did something to make this happen." And without any pretense about my being particularly holy, this struck me as kinda crazy. And yes, I remembered the text that you talk about. So I stopped praying. But I couldn't keep it up. Something in my bones wants to pray, and I exhausted myself trying to throttle it. So here we are. Thank you for talking about it.
Losing a child is a pain like no other. People mean well with the "another angel in heaven" thing and if that's what brings you comfort, that's great, but a parent needs their child in their arms (too–if you believe that way).
I'm sorry you had to deal with people suggesting that you deserved not only the loss of your child, but to watch them suffer. I'm glad you have found something that brings you peace, even for a time.
Oh Fr.Nathan, Your words are so powerful and insightful! Yes, according to Orthodox verbal tradition, Jesus made eyes and placed them into the man's head as the Creator. I just love the way that you write and present concerns and ideas. I look forward to re-reading all of these accounts when you publish your book....hopefully soon! Yet! I still want to receive your insights even after publication. So don't stop writing the things and commentaries that you do! You are admired and greatly respected by me, a humble insignificant gay hieromonk of the Russian Orthodox church.
Ah yes, the Gospel According to Burnout Jesus. The Messiah who could turn water into wine but needed a snack and a nap before fully restoring someone’s vision. Honestly? Relatable.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the miracle wasn’t that the blind man saw, it’s that Jesus didn’t just vanish into the wilderness muttering, “I cannot deal with you people today.” We’ve built this image of a 24/7 divine vending machine—press 'A3' for healing, 'C7' for demon removal—but this story? This one whispers the uncomfortable truth: maybe God gets tired too.
And that offends the worshippers of productivity more than any blasphemy ever could.
The real heresy here isn’t questioning Jesus’ omnipotence—it’s daring to suggest that maybe suffering isn’t always a punishment. That maybe people don’t need fixing so much as society needs to stop using brokenness as proof of divine disapproval. But nuance doesn’t fit in a sermon soundbite or a prosperity gospel Instagram quote.
Honestly, if I had a drachma for every time someone blamed their neighbor’s misfortune on God’s wrath, I’d be rich enough to buy my way into heaven. But until then, I’ll be here, sipping tea like it’s holy water and watching the faithful squirm every time someone points out that their theology runs on vibes and wishful thinking.
Also? The spit-mud thing? Big earthy energy. Jesus out here making organic eyeballs like He’s headlining a farmer’s market of miracles.
I lost a 14 month old child to neuroblastoma. If you don't know about neuroblastoma, look it up, and you will see why I was not on speaking terms with God for quite a while. It is a cancer that only affects babies and small children. Sometimes it spontaneously gets better. Mostly, it doesn't. In our case, it found new and unusual ways to be evil before the final act. And yes, in addition to the, "God just needed a new angel in heaven" stuff, we got, "Maybe you did something to make this happen." And without any pretense about my being particularly holy, this struck me as kinda crazy. And yes, I remembered the text that you talk about. So I stopped praying. But I couldn't keep it up. Something in my bones wants to pray, and I exhausted myself trying to throttle it. So here we are. Thank you for talking about it.
Losing a child is a pain like no other. People mean well with the "another angel in heaven" thing and if that's what brings you comfort, that's great, but a parent needs their child in their arms (too–if you believe that way).
I'm sorry you had to deal with people suggesting that you deserved not only the loss of your child, but to watch them suffer. I'm glad you have found something that brings you peace, even for a time.
I love this SO MUCH!!
Oh Fr.Nathan, Your words are so powerful and insightful! Yes, according to Orthodox verbal tradition, Jesus made eyes and placed them into the man's head as the Creator. I just love the way that you write and present concerns and ideas. I look forward to re-reading all of these accounts when you publish your book....hopefully soon! Yet! I still want to receive your insights even after publication. So don't stop writing the things and commentaries that you do! You are admired and greatly respected by me, a humble insignificant gay hieromonk of the Russian Orthodox church.
Ah yes, the Gospel According to Burnout Jesus. The Messiah who could turn water into wine but needed a snack and a nap before fully restoring someone’s vision. Honestly? Relatable.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the miracle wasn’t that the blind man saw, it’s that Jesus didn’t just vanish into the wilderness muttering, “I cannot deal with you people today.” We’ve built this image of a 24/7 divine vending machine—press 'A3' for healing, 'C7' for demon removal—but this story? This one whispers the uncomfortable truth: maybe God gets tired too.
And that offends the worshippers of productivity more than any blasphemy ever could.
The real heresy here isn’t questioning Jesus’ omnipotence—it’s daring to suggest that maybe suffering isn’t always a punishment. That maybe people don’t need fixing so much as society needs to stop using brokenness as proof of divine disapproval. But nuance doesn’t fit in a sermon soundbite or a prosperity gospel Instagram quote.
Honestly, if I had a drachma for every time someone blamed their neighbor’s misfortune on God’s wrath, I’d be rich enough to buy my way into heaven. But until then, I’ll be here, sipping tea like it’s holy water and watching the faithful squirm every time someone points out that their theology runs on vibes and wishful thinking.
Also? The spit-mud thing? Big earthy energy. Jesus out here making organic eyeballs like He’s headlining a farmer’s market of miracles.
Me damnit, indeed.
My brain just short circuited. I have never considered the nuances of these miracles, but I really get being tired after doing one.