Unholy Sh+t: Jesus wouldn't likely be able to step foot in most churches today but if he did...

My father always promised that one day, when things got better and we were no longer homeless, he would take us to Disney World. As a teenager, I remember driving to Orlando with my mother; we were going to hear a prophet speak. There we were, mere minutes away from the most magical place on earth. But instead of visiting the mouse, we placed dollar bills in offering plates, hoping that the trickle-down economics of the prosperity gospel might finally save us from our plight.

Just like someone with a gambling addiction, I watched as my parents’ lives became quantifiably worse the longer we were involved with these types of churches. I had the opportunity to see all of the greats live: Benny Hinn, Creflo Dollar, Kim Cement, Paul Crouch, Kenneth Copeland, and, of course, every single Sunday, our local pastor regurgitated the same filth. Faithfully, my parents continued to drop coins into the coffers of these delusional men.

As we drove away from Orlando, I stared up at the Mickey-shaped power lines and imagined how wonderful it would be to no longer be poor. My mother looked over at me, seeing my longing, and said, “Someday.” I guess she meant once we were rewarded “a hundredfold” for the tuppence we had given to the Lord, and by the Lord, I mean some guy who wasn’t smart enough to play the stock market, so he played people instead.

Unholy Sh+t: An Irreverent Bible Study

4th Sunday of Ordinary Time

Today’s reading: Matthew 5:1–12

Jesus pulled up to the crowd in his brand new 33AD BMW town car. Peter ran around back and opened the door for him. “What’s the crowd like?” Jesus asked, pulling his designer sunglasses off coolly. “We counted 5000 men, sir.” The Mount Auditorium was packed to the brim, and just before Jesus took to the stage, he dusted off his Gucci shoes and said to Peter, “Make sure we are getting a cut from the fish stick sales! We are bringing Gawwwd tonight!”

Sike!

None of that happened because Jesus was homeless and lived a simple life (Matthew 8:20). But if you grew up around the prosperity gospel, you’ve probably heard preachers like that. I know I did. Just drop another dollar in the offering plate, and you, too, might be lucky enough to be blessed with riches beyond your wildest imagination. God is basically the big slot machine in the sky! There is just one minor little hiccup to this theology: Jesus.

During the sermon on the mount, Jesus did not make promises of riches in this life. As a matter of fact, he actually said that those who had it good here were entering the afterlife with a deficit (Luke 6:20–26). It seems plain and simple in the verses, so how did we get so far off track from the OG Jesus that the prosperity gospel took hold?

They are twisting the scriptures, obviously! That classic move used for generations.

Anyone familiar with the prosperity gospel has heard these two verses, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11.)” and “Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory!” (1 Chronicles 4:10).

So, on the one hand, we have Jesus saying, “If you’re rich on earth, you’re a jerk,” and on the other hand, we have these two verses talking about increasing wealth. What is the disconnect?

Context.

When evaluating a verse, the person teaching is supposed to know if it has universal or non-universal application. This means, “Was this being spoken to all people, a specific people, or a group of people?” That changes the context of scripture quite a bit. An example of a universal application would be, say, the Ten Commandments or the Beatitudes. A non-universal application would be verses about Jesus cursing fig trees. You are allowed to like figs, and you don’t have to curse fig trees just because Jesus did when he was hangry. And you certainly don’t have to walk around with protest signs screaming, “God Hates Figs.”

Most of the verses used by prosperity gospel ministers do not have universal application. These verses tell the story of a specific situation, and more importantly, they aren’t about individual wealth. In both examples I used above, we are talking about the expansion of Kingdoms, not individuals. It is believed that Jabez is a decedent of the Kings of Judah, and Jeremiah is prophesying about the future prosperity of the Israelites. The Israelites were in exile, and Jeremiah sent a letter of hope to the elders and priests.

None of these verses are about individuals seeking personal wealth but about communities growing together.

Basically, even if these verses did have universal application and meant that God would give wealth to everyone who believed… it would mean it was communal in nature. If that were the case, we would have to reinstitute things like the Year of Jubilee (debt forgiveness, Leviticus 25:1–4, 8–10) and make sure that all businesses left enough goods aside for those that couldn’t afford it (Leviticus 23:22.) And before you get all mad at me for adding a socialist agenda to the Bible, you may want actually to read the book for yourself. Because I’m not the one who said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone rich to enter the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:21-24)

Jesus is a complicated character: the homeless king. What does it look like to live in the kingdom of a man who prefers riding around on donkeys and sleeping outside instead of in a palace? He’s turning the whole idea of what it means to rule on its head. He’s not demeaning to his subjects. Instead, he’s offering them food, healthcare, and a new way to understand the concept of home. Blessed are the poor was not some cute catchphrase to put on t-shirts; he was turning the entire system upside. He promised a new way of life—one where the oppressed have freedom and opportunity.

The beginning of the Sermon on the Mount is a promissory note about justice finally coming to those who, for far too long, have been treated as dredges. Jesus is saying that those who are poor, forgotten, and abandoned will be rewarded under his new government structure. The problem with this idea is that Jesus heavily underestimated how absolutely f+cked human beings are. This system only works if we all work together towards this type of goal as a community. Unfortunately, the church abandoned the idea of being a community long ago and has become a corporation. We have a responsibility to care for the orphan and the widow, the outcast and forgotten, the sick and the destitute. Make no mistake, the institution has more than enough resources to do all of those things and more. Instead, they are far too concerned with finding the perfect Easter Sunday lineup, as if it were their own personal Super Bowl Halftime Show.

If Jesus was here today, I can almost assure you that two things would happen. First, most pastors would be preaching sermons against him. You probably wouldn’t find Jesus frequently hanging out at the Southern Baptist Convention, but I bet you would see him hanging out at strip clubs, bars, and the local hospital. They would probably have to bleep half of his sermons that would be aired as cautionary tales on Fox News. The second thing that I am almost certain of is if Jesus were ever allowed inside most churches, he would be overturning the tables at their knock-off Starbucks coffee shops and asking them why they are wasting all these resources and space when folks are starving to death on the streets of their community.

You can almost hear Joel Osteen and Kenneth Copeland conspiring to have Jesus arrested, “I know we said that it was his house, but he is just so… radical.”

In Luke’s version of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “What sorrow awaits you who are praised by the crowds, for their ancestors also praised false prophet.” The evangelical church has replaced Jesus with a golden calf. They have traded in the Good News for an Ayn Rand gospel of selfishness and rugged individualism. But the Jesus of the scriptures is telling us over and over again that it is through community and caring that we will find the real kingdom.