Unholy Sh+t: Jesus the Joker

When I was about sixteen years old, our family tried out a new church. I went to the Sunday School class, and on this day, of all days, the teacher was discussing how being gay was a sin. I could see a kid sitting there uncomfortably squirming and obviously gay. I quickly raised my hand, and the teacher called on me. “New kid in the back; what’s your question.” Without hesitation, I asked, “do you masturbate?” 

“That’s an inappropriate discussion for church.” The teacher told me.

I responded with, “we are talking about two dudes doing it at church. So do you masturbate?”

“No comment.” He was now the one squirming.

“Well, my mom always says that means yes. So since you do, that means you’ve committed adultery, which is just as big of a sin. So I guess maybe worry about that instead?”

I didn’t last long at that Sunday School. 

Unholy Sh+t: An Irreverent Bible Study

6th Sunday of Ordinary Time

Today’s reading: Matthew 5:17-37

Sometimes Jesus is all, “if you live by the sword, you die by the sword,” and other times he’s like, “cut your eyeballs out, you filthy animals.” 

The Sermon on the Mount is a dizzying series of prose by the Prince of Peace, but he suddenly turns into the Clown Prince of Gotham. 

Apostle: that chick is hot!

Jesus: I’m going to do a magic trick.

Peter: Not again *rolls eyes*

Jesus: I’m going to make this pencil disappear *slams the pervy apostle's head into the pencil* verily, I say unto thee. If you look at a woman and lust after her, you’ve committed adultery. If your eyes are causing you to sin, gouge them out! *lifts the apostle's head with the pencil protruding* ta-dah! It’s, it’s gone!

I’ve always found it interesting the things that Jesus said that people choose to take as literal and that which gets tossed in the old figurative bin. Give all your money to the poor, figurative. Hell, literal. Heal the sick, figurative. Don’t get divorced, literal. Cut off your right hand if you are being lustful, figurative. I just can’t keep up!

What’s interesting about this particular series of prohibitions is that Jesus is basically just going down the Law of Moses. Instead of saying, “these rules don’t apply anymore,” he’s upping the ante. But I think the point isn’t about whether Jesus is being figurative or literal in his statements; I think it’s actually the subtle art of hyperbole. 

He’s saying that we got the whole idea of what the Law is supposed to mean out of order. It’s not enough to just not follow through with the act of adultery; it’s that intention that matters. We can do the “right thing,” but if what we really want to do, deep down in our heart of hearts, is the wrong thing, that is what counts.

But he is also transferring the guilty party in adultery from the woman to the man. He’s flipping the script to say, “If you like big butts and don’t lie. My brothers, you can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face and you get sprung, go cut your fucking dick off.” 

I’m paraphrasing, of course, but you get the idea. 

I think it’s also important to take a minute to pause here and discuss the rampant antisemitism that exists in Christianity. It’s important to remember that Jesus wasn’t attempting to start a new religion, and neither were the apostles. They were trying to be good Jews, not to found a new religious sect. Jesus makes that very clear in this verse when he says, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets.”

I think it’s easy to contextualize what is happening here incorrectly. Jesus is not espousing the new tenets of a new faith. He is a rabbi who is trying desperately to breathe life back into his own faith. He is interpreting the Law, not erasing it.

So the question becomes: is Jesus actually suggesting that someone should Van Gogh their eyes and hands? No. He is trying to explain the severity of the situation. He is also driving home the point that the responsible party in the act of lust is the person feeling it and not the person being objectified.

Over the years, I’ve read some stories about dudes who got religious and took this verse seriously. They did not contextualize it. They missed the bit about Jesus using hyperbole. They took a hard right turn into Literal Town when they should have made a stop at Figurativeville. And well, I kind of imagine Jesus’ response being a little like this.

Murray Franklin: Let me get this straight. You think that those guys gouging out their eyes is funny?

Jesus: I do. And I’m tired of pretending it’s not.