Unholy Sh+t: Is the Bible full of contradictions or possibly the story of God changing Their mind?

I was driving home from the hospital, having just given someone last rites. It had been a weird and exhausting day; all I could think about was lying on my couch watching trash TV. That has been one of my vices since joining the priesthood, and it's something I still do today. My life was so hectic and full of all the worst parts of the human condition that watching a little reality television was a good break from the absolute clown shoes my life had become. I still do the same thing as an author because I typically write about some pretty dark sh+t, so it's nice to have a little America’s Got Talent to take the edge off, ya know?

Anyway, that day, I would not get the soft landing on the couch I had hoped for.

Right down the road from my house, I saw about six police officers surrounding a homeless guy. The cops were all out of their cruisers, and the man in the center was rocking nervously. I knew this guy; he often came down to the food distribution that we did every week. His name was Richard and, well, he was not necessarily playing with a full deck. He had experienced a lot of trauma in his life, and I knew all too well how quickly he could snap. If he did something stupid, he would find himself dogpiled by these dudes. It was not going to be a good time.

I pulled down this little alleyway and made it over to where the cops were. One of the rookie cops saw me approaching and walked toward me, putting his hands up. “Sir, we are conducting an investigation.”

“I see that,” I said as I continued to walk over toward Richard.

“You can’t interrupt our investigation,” the officer said, following me as I continued to Richard.

“Sargent!” The cookie said, almost pouting, “This guy is impeding our investigation.”

“I am not impeding,” I responded, “I am just checking on my friend. Hey Richard, do you want to be here talking to all of these cops right now?”

“No, chicken man,” Richard said, shaking his head, “I sure don’t.”

I took Richard by the arm and started walking away from the cops. The rookie got really upset about this and started walking toward me. I didn’t turn around. I kept on walking through the valley of the shadow of death with Richard, but I pointed at the rookie's cruiser, which was parked in a handicap spot. “Kid, why don’t you worry about the plank in your own eye and then worry about the dust in Richard's?”

The rookie looked at his sergeant, “What am I supposed to do about this guy?”

“Move your car,” the sergeant said, chuckling, “You just got Monk’d.”

I’ve never told that story before, and now I have; I wonder if I am less righteous now.

Unholy Sh+t: An Irreverent Bible Study

5th Sunday of Ordinary Time

Today’s reading: Matthew 5:13-16

The Sermon on the Mount was our boy Jesus’ big break. Sure, he had done the whole water-into-wine bit, but he wasn’t here for cheap parlor tricks! No, he was more like one of those magicians they used to bring to school that was like, “I just pulled a quarter out of your ear! And you know why I was able to do that? Because you aren’t dead from drinking and driving.” There are moments when Jesus seems like he would be a pretty chill dude to hang out with, but he also had a very stern demeanor at times. Some issues were important to him, and he didn’t want his whole gimmick to be about turning water into wine or casting demons into bacon. He didn’t just want only to be known for pulling quarters out of kids' ears at bar mitzvahs, “I’ve got a serious side too, Dad, Dammit!”

The sermon on the mount is kind of like what One Hour Photo was supposed to be for Robin Williams: Jesus was finally a serious contender in the long list of potential Messiahs.

There are a lot of great one-liners in the speech, too. You’ve got the classic “You are the salt of the earth!” And “You are the light of the world.” But this is one of those verses that really gets all twisted for me. The message here is that we should do good in the world: love our neighbor, be kind to those who don’t deserve it, and provide for the destitute. These are lovely things, and Jesus makes it very clear that “your light must shine before others so that they may see the good deeds that you do!”

*checks Jesus’ forehead*

Now, I’m no theologian, but… wait, yes, I am. And this is very confusing. Isn’t this the same Jesus who also said, “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others? Truly, I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to those in need, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so your giving may be secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done secretly, will reward you.” So, which is it, homie? Are we supposed to be a city on the hill brightly shining our saltiness so that we can bring honor to your Daddy, or are we supposed to be hiding our good deeds so that God will reward our humility? What’s even more head-spinning about this is that both of these scriptures are from the Sermon on the Mount!

This isn’t the only time Jesus does stuff like this. A perfect example was when Jesus told everyone to go get a sword so they can be ready to fight at a moment's notice, but when Peter uses the sword he was said to bring, Jesus is all, “You’ll shoot your eye out.” Jesus seems to spend most of his time on earth jumping from one pole to the next, “Today, we will be talking about how to love your neighbor but tomorrow’s sermon will be all about I’m going to set them on fire for not liking my dad enough.” I’m sure this is one of those moments when my childhood pastor would have practiced some pretty stellar biblical yoga, contorting the scriptures until they finally fit. The reality is that these two ideas don’t connect.

Without trying to contort the scripture to fit, I think it’s alright to say that these are contradictory statements.

“But what does that mean?” You may ask. Well, I think it means that Jesus was fully man. He was a human being, which means he was capable of all kinds of things that could lead to moments like this: perhaps he misspoke or even changed his mind. God changes Their mind all the time. They want to build a planet, then they want to destroy it. They love humans more than angels, but then they send angels to kill us for being human. It looks like God doesn’t really have the most well-thought plan. They seem to be figuring this all out as they go along. God definitely has a bad case of being a first-time parent.

Honestly, this reality has not damaged my faith in the slightest. If anything, finally coming to terms with the fact that God might not have it all figured out has become a very reassuring thing. Maybe God messes up or doesn’t know how many hairs you have on the top of your head. I like the idea of a flawed Jesus who sometimes couldn’t make up his mind or the confused apostles who were doing their best to accurately tweet their long-winded fishing buddy. Then again, what if Jesus attempted to teach us the value of both/and instead of either/or? Maybe, sometimes, we are supposed to be a light on a hill showing the world what it means to be kind to others, and other times, we are supposed to have the discretion to know when it’s not necessary.

I’ve done both.

There have been times when I’ve helped others in an exceedingly visible way, and there have been times when I’ve literally given the shoes off my feet to a stranger with no one around to see how good I am. Now, I have just told that story which will be read by (hopefully) hundreds of thousands of people, so does that mean that I get a jewel ripped out of my crown in heaven? I got close, but no cigar! I wasn’t boastful at the moment, but now that I’ve used it as a relatable anecdote, I am f+cked. Which situation best honored God? It seems I can say both. I can justify each action in the scripture.

And maybe that is the answer: both.

If we really pay attention to the whole message, the Sermon on the Mount isn’t Jesus telling us how to regulate others but ourselves. So perhaps for your neighbor, they are supposed to be the light on the hill, and you are supposed to pay for someone’s groceries quietly and never get noticed for it. I’m not sure everything is as cut and dry as we were taught in Sunday School. It’s alright that there are a million different directions a situation could possibly go, and it's more than possible that Jesus is allowing us to tread new paths, not just follow the designated map.

Maybe the scriptures are less about what’s wrong for everyone else to do and more about finding what’s suitable for you. As the gods say:

Tulio: Both?

Miguel: Both?

Jesus: Both is good!