Unholy Sh+t: explains what the f+ck happens now that the pope has died, since you don’t have the energy to research another god d+mn thing in 2025

“Well, f+ck” were the words I uttered upon being awakened sometime after the witching hour as my phone buzzed incessantly. Each message read nearly identical, flat and emotionless, as if Walter Cronkite was delivering the news: the pope is dead.

Now, old men die, and to quote Sabrina Carpenter, that’s just the way of the world skiddly-dee-da-dum. However, this isn’t just any old man, nor are we living in a particularly great moment for this specific old man to shuffle the mortal coil.

Many of you might ask yourself, “Lord, out of all the world leaders comprised of old men you could have scooped up, you picked this one?” And as valid a question as that might be, unfortunately, it seems that the Good Lord above hasn’t been answering the phone for quite some time, so I wouldn’t expect a reasonable answer to that query anytime soon. No, dear children, all we can do now is focus on the facts and potential consequences of what will be, without question, one of the most consequential papal elections in our lifetimes.

Make no mistake, everyone from Trump to Putin to Netanyahu has a stake in the game of who the next pontiff will be. Whether you are a devout Catholic or an ardent atheist, there is no question that the Bishop of Rome is, for better or worse, the mouthpiece of God here on earth for many in Christendom. Whether he deserves such a distinction is a discussion of historic and theological debate, but it is also just a simple reality. People of all faiths look to the Chair of Saint Peter as the throne by which much of Western Christian culture, opinions, morals, and ethics are determined.

Like it or not, the pope wields tremendous power as the leader of nearly 1.4B Catholics around the world, one of whom currently holds the second most powerful position in the United States Government. The opinion of the pope can breathe life or lead to countless deaths. Who becomes the next successor of Saint Peter will have profound consequences on major moments that lie ahead, from the fate of the Palestinian people to the War in Ukraine, and even actions of Congress, as it seems that countless leaders are trying to drive us all to a self-inflicted doomsday.

I am sure many of you are asking, “What the “f+ck happens now,” and I will do my best to answer those questions. So smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em, hold onto your butts, and my fellow millennial, welcome to historic event number #2025666.

Unholy Sh+t

Special Edition - The Papacy

Chapter One: The f+ck happens now?!

Popes, like regular people, die eventually. This is just the nature of being a human being, but what happens in the moments following their death is quite different from what happens for the average person. The pope is many things all at once: a priest, a bishop, a spiritual leader, a head of state, and a celebrity. But by the time we all know that the pope is dead, a lot has already happened behind the scenes.

Hollywood doesn’t always get it right but, on occasion, they get pretty damn close. The film adaptation of Angels & Demons did a decent job of depicting the moments after a pope dies. However, if it's been a minute since you’ve seen the film or perhaps you skipped it altogether, I’ll give you a recap of the events that occur when the pope passes.

First, let me introduce you to someone that you’ve probably never heard of until the death of a pope: the camerlengo. This is similar to a chamberlain within a monarchy, who is responsible for the household of the governing head of state. The pope's camerlengo has a wide range of responsibilities, including looking after the financial affairs, the general order of the papal residence, and countless other duties. The mundanity of those tasks rarely makes the news. It just doesn’t make good headlines: “Camerlengo Ensured that the Papal Check Book was Balanced for the Month of May.” However, when the pope dies, they suddenly become one of the most important figures in the Catholic Church.

When the pope dies, it is not a doctor who will officially determine the death of the pope, but the camerlengo. There will be no autopsy, only faith in the validity of the statement of one man. In all likelihood, this individual would already be in the vicinity when the pope died. In the case that they were not, either because they were attending to other duties or asleep, someone would be required to summon them. No one else can declare the pope as dead other than the camerlengo. They would inspect the body, presumably check for a pulse, and once certain of the papal demise, would announce that the See of Saint Peter is vacant and that the pope has died. But this will remain a secret from the general public for some time because plenty of work is yet to be done. The process could take hours before the ecclesia is informed that the vacancy exists, and the faithful can begin mourning.

Once the camerlengo officially declares that the pope is dead, a series of rituals will occur. The papal ring and seal will be destroyed. Each pope receives a unique ring and seal to place their insignia on official documents, indulgences, and relics. A document merely signed by the pope is rarely enough to ensure its authenticity or power. Instead, the papal seal is used as a universal and unquestionable sign that the decree or blessing has authentically come from the Bishop of Rome. These items are destroyed immediately, so no one can issue decrees after the pope's death. The temptation could be high to do so, as it is always possible that there were documents in the pipeline of extreme importance. The destruction of these seals prevents anyone from essentially backdating these documents.

The camerlengo will collect and record any important documents, journals, letters, and personal effects before they are handed over to the Vatican Library for safekeeping and historical record. The papal apartment will then be closed and sealed by the camerlengo.

It is also the responsibility of the camerlengo to begin the process of preparing for the funeral of the pope and to summon the cardinals to start assembling in Vatican City. Typically, the season of mourning for the pope will last about nine days, with the funeral taking place within about five days to a week from the announcement of the death. The coffin is traditionally made available for public viewing leading up to the funeral. The actual date of the funeral will be decided by the cardinals, as will be the date determined for when the conclave will officially be called to elect the next pope. Traditionally, the conclave takes place after the funeral and within twenty days of the announcement of the death of the pope. This means we will not know who the next pope will be until sometime in May… hopefully.

There are no regulations on how long the conclave might last or how many ballots can be submitted. The process could be decided in a day after a single vote, or it could take weeks or months should there be any sort of deadlock for one reason or another. Until then, the world waits.

The Catholic Church believes that the Holy Spirit will decide the new Bishop of Rome. The reality is, a vote of the Cardinals of the Catholic Church will determine that fate, all men. Any cardinal under the age of 80 can cast a ballot. As much as the faithful would like to believe that this process is devoid of politics, infighting, and shenanigans… well, that is wishful thinking and requires more faith in man than I can muster. So, be assured that even now, those in power, and those with influence, are already beginning to ensure that the man most suited to serve their interests will ultimately ascend to the throne.

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Over the next few weeks, I will be publishing a special edition series of Unholy Sh+t: The Papacy, in which I will cover a wide range of topics, including the pope's origins, the divide between the Roman Catholic and Orthodox Church regarding his role, the potential global impacts of the next pontiff, and how the conclave actually works.