Unholy Sh+t: and lo, he said unto them, "why are there so many motherf+cking snakes in this motherf+cking book?"

I was a newly ordained priest, and as a convert from Protestantism, I still had a few holdover fears from my time as an evangelical. Every year, a priest is required to take a retreat to a monastery to give their confession and spend time in prayerful reflection. That year, I went to a Roman Catholic monastery with another priest friend of mine. The monastery is located outside a small town in Alabama, but it looked different from what you would expect to find in the rural South. The Romanesque complex looked like someone had sawed off part of the Vatican and then dropped it off in a cattle field while screaming, “Roll Tide!”

While walking around the campus, I noticed a portico with columns with the stations of the cross along them. As you journey down this open-air hallway, it’s easy to forget what time period you are in. The entire place was silent, except for the sound of birds and a bunny jumping through the thicket, visible through the glassless windows of this ancient-feeling place. As I walked the stations of the cross, genuflecting and saying the appropriate prayers, I knew there was a scene awaiting me at the end, but I was wholly unprepared for it. When I finally concluded my journey, a life-sized crucifix stood with a bloodied Jesus that could give The Passion a run for its money in the gore department. The image took my breath away so instantly that I fell to my knees and broke down in tears.

As I lay there on the ground, mindful of this great sacrifice, an intrusive thought entered my consciousness: "This is exactly what you were warned about at church, and now look at you, worshiping a statue. You are an idolater.”

Unholy Sh+t: An Irreverent Bible Study

Second Sunday of Lent

Today’s Reading: Matthew 17:1-9

I’m not sure that Jesus fully understands how unprepared people were to interact with God. Admittedly, it had been quite a while since the creator had decided to make Their divine presence known. Also, most of the stories folks had heard about God showing up didn’t always, you know, work out very well for them. God was constantly flooding the earth, confusing the common language, setting villages on fire, and turning people’s wives into pillars of salt. You can imagine most folks weren’t sitting around hoping God would just pop up. Jesus was supposed to be this halfway point between the divine and humanity. Yet, on occasion, even he does some Thor-level sh+t that freaks everyone out. Jesus has just fed the five thousand but also gave a sermon about some very un-chill things like his impending death and such. Needless to say, his disciples are a bit on edge. This is when he decides to invite Peter, James, and John to go on a little stroll with him up a mountainside. I imagine that they were like, “Cool, cool. So, we are taking a little break from this absolute batsh+t week. Nothing fixes stress like touching grass… OH. MY. GOD. Jesus is glowing!”

That’s right, kids; Jesus invites his homies on a little stroll in the park, pulls some Mary Poppins sh+t and decides to do something unhinged. I am not sure exactly how the transfiguration works, but I like to imagine that Jesus cracked his neck before turning into a human glow stick. Not only does the scriptures say that he is suddenly beaming as bright as the sun, but he is visited by two special guest cameos: Moses and Elijah.

This is when Rocky does the most nerdy thing ever. Trying not to flip out, he walks over to Jesus, I am assuming while trembling or sh+tting himself, possibly both, and says, “So, super cool that you invited us to whatever the f+ck this is, but maybe I should make some tents for you, Elijah, and Moses?” At that moment, a cloud engulfs the three figures, and a voice, presumably God’s but probably Alan Rickman's, blasts their tender little human ears with, “This is my son, with whom I am super stoked. Do whatever he tells you.”

Being the adorable little neurodivergent kid that I was, when I heard this story during Sunday School, I asked, “How did Peter know who it was?”

The answer I was given is that either the Holy Spirit downloaded the information into their brains or that maybe the two men announced themselves somehow. Now, I understand that the Bible isn’t like the world's most well-written book, but I have this funny feeling in my gut that if Elijah or Moses said anything, these bros would have written that down. It is the world's greatest understatement to say that this moment would have been colossally earth-shattering to the apostles. Moses and Elijah are like the dudes, ya know? I highly doubt that if part of the story were that Jesus did a little intro, that would have made the cut. Additionally, if either of these two specters spoke, that also would have been added to the text. In the absence of either of these things, one must presume that Peter figured it out some other way.

I think that most of us raised in evangelicalism were taught that Jews had a complete prohibition on all images whatsoever. I believe that this thought became part of the Christian zeitgeist by mixing up the Jewish prohibition of idols and the prevailing opinion about Islamic tradition surrounding images of Muhammad. As a result, we were taught to believe that in the Jewish tradition, there existed zero representations of the prophets or biblical scenes. History, however, has proven this not to be true. Many synagogues have been unearthed with frescos and mosaics depicting moments like the parting of the Red Sea or Noah’s Ark.

It is entirely possible, if not highly plausible, that the reason Peter recognized the prophets of old is because he had seen renditions of them throughout the ages.

You might have been raised to believe that everything from crucifixes, rosaries, Marian statues, and even icons were considered idolatry. As a kid, I remember seeing a statue of an angel at a friend's house and being absolutely certain that they would roast in hell for this. That is how big a deal being a non-idolator was made in the churches I attended as a kid.

Interestingly enough, the prohibition on making images isn’t as cut and dry as our Protestant pastors would have us believe. For example, there is a story in the Old Testament about how the Israelites are roaming around the desert when they are attacked by a bunch of snakes and these snakes happen to be venomous, obviously. Before Moses could even say, “Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes!” God tells him that if he makes a sculpture of a snake and puts it on a pole, anyone who looks up at the snake on the pole will be healed. Moses does as he is told by making a snake out of bronze, putting it on a pole, and having all his folks look at it. Now, I don’t know about y’all but that sounds a little bit idolatry adjacent to me, at least according to how I had been raised. Then again, it was Moses who gave us the whole “Don’t be idolators” bit, and so I’m assuming he is making a distinction here (Numbers 21:4-9).

Furthermore, the description of the Ark of the Covenant is pretty fascinating if you haven’t read it recently. God gives really detailed instructions on what it was supposed to look like in Exodus 25:10-22. God declares that it has to be a box made of wood, overlaid in gold, and the central figures are two angels, specifically cherubim, with their wings pointed toward each other. Again, this is Moses, and he is the dude who told us that the Almighty personally said, “No idols’ but that sounds a lot like an idol if you are taking the Protestant interpretation of the scriptures.

Now, it is possible in a supernatural situation, should such situations exist, that Peter was struck with the power of God and was like, “Holy f+ck, that’s Moses and Elijah!” If we are going to bring magic into the story, then anything is possible. However, even if this is a supernatural event, and the supernatural does exist, I still stand by the fact that the apostles would have likely written down what happened, at least for bragging rights, if nothing else. Assuming any of this reality happened, I think the more likely scenario is that Peter had seen a mosaic of Moses and Elijah and recognized them from the art he had grown up around.

The issue with idolatry was that humans were choosing to worship cows and lizards and sh+t instead of God. That was his whole beef with idols (lol). Paul alludes to as much in Romans 1:25 when he says, “We had exchanged worshiping the creature rather than the Creator,” which upholds the entire premise behind why there was a prohibition of idols. I mean, the big story we were told growing up is that folks made a cow out of gold to worship, and God said, “Absolutely not! I don’t even look like that. Does my chin look like that? Don’t answer that, or you’ll be roommates with Lucifer faster than you can say, ‘I’m the prettiest angel; look at me, look at me!’” The point is, I think enough evidence exists for us to know that the issue was not with all art or depictions but with the intention behind the actions.

I think God would be far more concerned with the idols we have made of our politicians than if we have a statue of his mother in our house because the statue reminds you to be prayerful or mindful of God’s goodness.

Listen, if you didn’t grow up with statues or icons being part of your tradition, I am not suggesting that you fill your home with a bunch of them. What I am saying is this: as we continue to deconstruct what parts of our religious upbringing still have value, different ones of us will reach very different conclusions. Some of us will find icons for the first time and find peace in them, while others will consider throwing them in the trash a moment of clarity and peace. Whichever you need to find yourself in a space of healing, that is going to be okay. There might be a day down the line when you want to revisit those things, and there might not be. Both are okay. If the rosary gives you peace, pray it. If praying the rosary reminds you of the nuns slapping your knuckles with a ruler, you can ditch it. Maybe you can’t stomach seeing any more pictures of white Jesus ever again. Try an icon out and see how it feels. Perhaps for someone else, hanging that icon in their home reminds them of a time when religion didn’t hurt yet. If we are going to be part of reshaping what Christianity looks like, probably stopping regulating everyone with a bunch of silly rules that don’t even vibe with what the scriptures say might be an excellent start.

Wherever you are along that journey, know that there isn’t a right and wrong answer here, but whatever you choose, you aren’t an idolator for having religious art in your home or place of worship. You are an idolator when you let something come between you and the Creator, like following a would-be dictator to the point that you reject your children because they are gay. That is far more idolatrous than any statue ever could be.