A group of Bible Thumpers planned to be out protesting in front of a gay bar downtown, so my wife and I decided we would go counter-protest them with a group of our friends. I arrived wearing my collar, which made the street preachers even bigger mad. When we arrived, one of the guys recognized me from the newspaper and asked me, “Do you really believe all that stuff about helping the homeless?”
“Yes, I do,” I replied.
“So you think Jesus meant it literally when he said to give to the one who asks of you?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, then, give me all the money you’ve got in your pocket.” He said with a smug grin.
Unfortunately for me, and very fortunate for him, I had stopped by the ATM and pulled my last $100 out of my account to go grocery shopping when we finished the protest. I could feel my wife’s eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. But I was trapped between what I said I believed and actually following through.
“Yes, the scripture does say, ‘never refuse an evil person.’” And with that, I handed him the money. That day, I learned a lot of lessons, including what it means to love your enemies. But part of me always wondered if I did it out of faith or spite. Either way, I did as I believed Jesus told me to do, and hopefully, that was enough.
Unholy Sh+t: An Irreverent Bible Study
Eleventh Sunday of Ordinary Time
Today’s Reading: Matthew 9:36-10:8
Jesus was kind of an odd duck. Which, if you think about it, is totally fair. If you believe everything that is claimed about him, he spent eternity in Heaven until his Dad kicked him out to go fix a mess He started, and then suddenly dealt with humans all day. Now, if everything isn’t 100% on the up-and-up, then he is still some dude walking around thinking he has godlike powers and a messiah complex, and that also has to be super stressful. So matter which way you cut it, the guy is having a rough time with this whole being alive thing, which is matched only by house stressful his being unalived went.
It isn’t just the whole thinking you are the savior of the world thing that makes him kind of a little weirdo, but also how he seems to flip the script pretty often. Sometimes, he is just completely over people and goes on little excursions to hide from humanity. Then, without warning, he is all, “I mean, humans are kinda cute in a way; I wish I could do more to help them.”
What is pretty remarkable about Jesus is that, in spite of all our many shortcomings as a species, he never even threats to do a mass genocide of us. Which, I might add, is a pretty good improvement in the God department. Because his Dad is one of those “off with their head” types. It seems like every time he stubs his divine toe, he is committing some atrocity and then gaslighting everyone with an “I promise never to flood y’all again” and then turns them into pillars of salt or rains down fire. Nice loophole, God.
Anyway, Jesus definitely has his moments of losing his sh+t and having a complete meltdown but on the whole, he really does try and do good for people.
He has gathered together his team of favorite humans like a first-century Nick Fury. He has been traveling the countryside doing all kinds of cool sh+t like raising people from the dead, healing the sick, and doing the ol’ copy/paste with food so everyone has something to eat. But he is also running into a new problem for an eternal deity who is now trapped in a meat suit: space and time limitations.
I would imagine if you used to be a spirit, and then you are now cognizant of your new mortality, limitations, and the like, that would be pretty f+cking frustrating.
Word of Jesus being able to heal people is starting to spread, and, in a world without penicillin, that was pretty exciting news. Jesus seemed to be able to heal everything from demons to leprosy, both of which seemingly didn’t have a cure until he came along. Desperately needing healthcare, people traveled far and wide to find Jesus. After traveling to numerous cities, Jesus is filled with compassion and an extensional crisis and basically says, “There is only one of me and a whole lot of need.”
What I really love about this particular part of the Bible is how absolutely f+cking petty Matthew is. I don’t particularly like it because he is being mean, but it shows the real humanness of the authors of the Gospels. First, he is all, “Jesus saw all the people and felt really bad that he couldn’t help everyone because he’s just the one guy, you know? So he prayed that more help would come along. By the way, here are the twelve guys he found: You’ve got Rocky, who is probably his favorite. Then you’ve got James and John, the son’s of thunder, as Jesus likes to call them. Anyway, that’s Simon; he’s a bit of a zealot. Blah, blah, blah, some other guys. Oh, and that’s Judas, who BETRAYED Jesus like a little bi+ch coward, just so you know.”
Damn, Matt. Throw that shade.
He goes straight from “Jesus loves everyone” and then jumps right over that to “F+ck Judas, btw.” Way to miss the whole ass point Jesus is making, writing it down, and then panning it off as the word of God. Have your agent call me, I could use that type of representation for all my books.
Jesus calls the whole gang together, even Judas, and sends them out on their first side quest. He tells them that he will be transferring the ability to heal the sick, including leprosy and necromancy. Now with this power, he sends them out into everywhere and tells them that whenever they get to a particular town, they are supposed to say, “the kingdom of Heaven is near.” That word here is translated from the Greek word engizō, which literally means “come near” or that it is very close to us. This has been twisted over time, especially in protestant churches, to make us think this is about some apocalyptic event. But that wasn’t what Jesus was talking about. He was saying that heaven is close to us because he is close to us. Heaven is here because he is here that a heavenly life is possible right here, right now, on earth.
But before they leave, Jesus gives them one final instruction, “I am giving you this ability without charging you any money for the education, so I don’t want you to charge anyone for healing them.”
People often wonder what Jesus was up to in the middle: one minute you see him chilling in the temple debating scholars as a teenager and then suddenly reappears in his thirties, just hanging around a wedding with his mom. Was he off studying Eastern philosophy? Making out with people before he had to get all holy? Nobody knows for sure. But I have often wondered what Jesus was getting into while the apostles were doing all the healing and casting out demons. I guess the easy presumption would be that he continued to travel from town to town doing the same thing he always does. I don’t think that’s what he was doing at all.
Jesus is clearly getting tired. All of this people-ing is really getting to him. He is clearly an enneagram nine and an INFJ; homie needs a fucking nap and to cuddle up with Lazarus, Mary, and Martha for some good old fashioned rest and relaxation. I can’t be certain that Jesus finally got to take a nap, but it really makes sense that he was getting overstimulated and needed to recharge.
Whatever the case may be regarding the whereabouts of Jesus after sending out the twelve, what is clear is that Jesus is setting up two very clear policies about what his Kingdom is supposed to look like free education and free healthcare.
How is it possible that we’ve reached a point as a society where the very people who claim to follow Jesus are the ones who scream the loudest about things like student loan forgiveness and universal healthcare? It sure seems to me that Christians should be the first in line for these policies. However, whenever someone suggests these things, the immediate accusation is, “You are a communist!” Sorry, pal. I didn’t get these ideas from Karl Marx but from Jesus Christ, King of Kings. So next time someone accuses you of being a communist for thinking that people should have access to medical care, respond with, “No, I’m a Christian, and Jesus said, ‘freely you have received, freely give.’”
***
Hey y’all! I’m going on tour and I can’t wait to see each of you in person real soon. I’m still looking for people to help host some of these events. If you have a home or venue that might work, please fill out a host application here: charityinstitute.com/events
Quick edit. Last sentence in the paragraph below today's reading: "So matter which way you cut it, the guy is having a rough time with this whole being alive thing, which is matched only by house stressful his being unalived went."
Pretty sure "So" is really "no" and "house" is really "how."
Peace out.