The story of Jonathan and David is SO GAY I’m surprised the Far-Right isn’t trying to ban the Bible from public schools

In 1987 a pair of penguins named Silo and Roy started making eyes at each other. Eventually, they even started dancing and whatever the penguin equivalent of kissing is. After about a year together, they tried to start a family by way of sitting on a rock they presumed to be an egg. The zoo keepers eventually decided that they were probably pretty gay, and not just because they are called chinstrap penguins (I am not making that up). Anyway, on the other side of the enclosure, some straight penguins laid an egg they were not attempting to hatch, so the gay penguins adopted it and hatched a little one they named Tango. The story ends with a sad tale. Eventually, Silo realizes that he is bisexual and eventually leaves Roy for a woman named Scrappy. That same year, a tell-all book was released called, And Tango Makes Three, a kid's book about the love these two queer penguins once shared. That was way back in ancient times, the year of our Lord, two-thousand-and-five.

Then, some random mom got real mad. Apparently, God or the wine (in some traditions, they are the same thing) started talking to this very angry mother. She didn’t want her kids to know that gay penguins existed because that is the gateway drug for them discovering that gay humans exist, and then what’s next? PRONOUNS?! What are they teaching kids in schools these days? A cultural war began, and demands rose to ban such erotic literature as a picture book about two boy penguins raising an egg together. Well, they didn’t stop there! Eventually, the list of books continued to grow. Yet, one book was frequently suggested to be brought back into schools by these Christofascists: The Bible.

Yes, dear friends, they wanted Tango and her queer a$$ parents to be chucked into the trash bin of history and, instead, dust off the ol’ scriptures for some good old-fashioned religious education where kids wouldn’t learn about such silly things as gay penguins. Instead, they should learn about talking snakes convincing genetically identical people to get naked, Lot fathering his own grandchildren after being raped by his daughters (only after he offers them to be raped by the townsfolk in exchange for not raping angels), and who can forget the loving story of a Father submitting their child to die a horrific death to undo their own political and economic mistakes (wait, Jesus was a millennial?). This is the book that was going to teach all those horrible little ingrates about morals, ethics, and how to be really, super-duper, straight!

*record scratches*

And then in sashayed Jonathan and David. These dudes are so gay they make Bert and Ernie look like actual roommates. These guys are so gay that not even Christopher Rice could come up with such a sultry tale of homoerotic love. They are so gay (the crowd cheers HOW GAY ARE THEY!) They are so gay that I am absolutely shocked that more Christians aren’t trying to ban the Bible from public schools, lest it indoctrinate their children.

*Assistant runs in from off camera and whispers in the author’s ear*

Oh, right, cognitive dissonance is overshadowed by the milky-sweet goodness of hypocrisy.

Unholy Sh+t

1 Samuel 18 - 2 Samuel 1

Pride Month Special Edition

Queer Coded Characters of the Bible

There are many passages in the scriptures that are difficult to handle as a queer person. Though the words often lodged against us are not really about loving same-sex relationships, these verses have been so perverted over the years into anti-queer rhetoric that it’s hard to see them for what they really are. The tales of Sodom and Gomorrah or the laws found in Leviticus seem to place a clear target on our backs. Yet, with a keen eye, a theology degree, and the ability to read more than one language, you can easily see that these verses are not intended to attack consensual relationships between adults, whether romantic or sexual in nature. As challenging as it is to dissect these clobber verses, it’s important work. Then, there is the story of Jonathan and David, and I have no idea how anyone can read this sh+t and not instantly go, “That’s gayer than Siegfried and Roy getting box seats to the Ice Capades presents the music of Elton John.”

The institutional church has worked hard over the years to make the story of David and Jonathan seem like they were BFFs. Yet, the rumors of their queerness date back centuries, and by the time we reached the medieval period, they were already solidified as queer icons among artists. It is actually harder to find an image of these two men that looks straight than it was for me to find classic art of them being queer af.

It all began with a tale as old as time: a beautiful prince falls for a bear who is also a pauper. The very first thing that you need to understand, for anything else that will follow to make sense, is that David is super hot. David is such a smoke show that his beauty is actually referenced in the scriptures (1 Samuel 16:12). Which makes a ton of sense because he is a farm boy from the wrong side of town who has been working those muscles and getting a gorgeous tan. Everything is going pretty well for David, generally speaking, he has a cush job working for his dad, is the youngest and that’s always a beneficial lineup for a sibling, and then he gets conscripted into the military. Eventually, he gets quite a reputation for SLAYING… the Philistines. This puts him on the good side of the king, a total bigot by the name of Saul. Instantly, Saul is a little suspicious because he’s like, “This guy is super hot, way younger than me, and is kicking some serious a$$ on the battlefield.” Eventually, he makes the classic mistake that most parents who refuse to accept that their kids are gay make, “I’ve got a son about your age; y’all should hang out.”

This is where things get rather steamy. When Jonathan walks into the room, David and Saul are hanging out, talking about swords and sh+t. Upon meeting David, the scriptures say, “Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.” It’s important to note that David isn’t doing anything special here; he is just chilling with the King, having a pretty typical conversation. So this is not a situation of Jonathan being like, “Wow, this dude is really smart and probably going to overthrow the kingdom someday; I need to get on his good side.” No, dear ones, that is not what is happening here. This is Jonathan walking in and being like, “Holy sh+t, that is literally the hottest guy I have ever seen in my entire life! *ushers a servant over to him* call in the royal UHaul!” I hear you; you want to tell me that I am overdoing it and that I am implying things that aren’t there, but oh contraire, that is precisely what is happening because it gets gayer. Immediately upon falling into what theologian Theodore Jennings describes as “love at first sight,” Jonathan is instantly willing to give himself to David. It says that Jonathan made a covenant with David, though it does not extrapolate as to what that covenant might be. For the sake of integrity, I will say that people make covenants all over the Bible; it's kind of a thing. That being said and true, Jonathan makes his covenant to David by immediately disrobing because he loved David so much (1 Samuel 18:1-4)

The whole story takes a wild twist when Saul attempts to marry off David to one of his daughters. May I sidebar here for a moment to say that this is such a classic bigoted parent behavior. We’ve all heard the story before: two young military guys meet, fall in love, and what happens in the barracks stays in the barracks. Even though it is not explicitly stated, I am going to guess it was sword fighting. David does a little swing and a miss to dodge marrying the first of the king’s daughters. Unfortunately for David, the king has a lot of daughters. I swear to Christ I am not making this up, Saul has a daughter named Michal and David is like, “Sure, I guess I will marry the girl with the boy name” but then is like, “Oh, right! I am entirely broke because I am just a poor shepherd boy. I can’t afford to buy a whole daughter; I don’t have a dowry (1 Samuel 18:20).” Entirely unvexed by the lack of money and just trying to get David in a heteronormative relationship, Saul says, and again I am not kidding, “Just go get me a hundred Philistine foreskins, and that’ll be enough!” To which David is like, “You don’t have to ask me twice to go touch a hundred giant dicks.” Ever the overachiever, David returns with two hundred foreskins. If you are keeping count, that is twice as many dicks as he was supposed to be working with here (1 Samuel 18:24).

Here, we enter a problem: David is married to a woman. If you grew up anything like me, this is how you were taught to see King David: as a womanizer. That’s legit because David is kind of a horn dog and definitely a ladies’ man. There is no doubt that women loved David a lot. He is notorious for having had an affair that resulted in his killing the woman’s husband in a very “if they can’t convict Charles Manson of murder, they certainly can’t pin this on me” kind of way. Spoiler alert, Dave, they did, and you are stone-cold guilty. Either way, the point is David is married to a woman, most especially to Jonathan’s sister. Now, I will go out on a limb here again and bet they probably looked a lot alike—just a hunch, a theory, but probably not a far-fetched one. Before you exclaim, “Ew, David!” please do note that this tracks with a great many queer and queer-coded stories that have existed for centuries. However, I think what I love the most about the story of Jonathan and David is that, whereas Jonathan is clearly a mega-gay power bottom, David is bisexual. The feelings are mutual but David isn’t like mad about it when he sleeps with women either.

Saul is still pretty bent with David and keeps trying to kill him. Michal, the daughter of Saul and wife of David, warns her husband that Saul is on the rampage, again. David sneaks out a window, and Saul gets into a big argument with his daughter about why she wouldn’t let him kill her husband. The answer is easy: it’s because she loved David. It states that expressly in the scriptures, just like it did with Jonathan. Yet, it never says that David loved Michal. It does say that David loved Jonathan. Just so we are abundantly clear here, it states unquestionably that Jonathan loves David (1 Samuel 18:1) and that Michal loves David (1 Samuel 18:20), but of those two, the scriptures only say that David loved Jonathan (2 Samuel 1:26).

This is when sh+t gets very Shakespearian. Saul can not get over the fact that David breathes oxygen, so he continues to devise a plan to unalive the would-be king. David catches wind of this plot and has a little chit-chat with Jonathan about it. Jonathan has diligently fought for David and is assured his father will do no harm to his boyfriend. That is when David has to hit Jonathan with some hard f+cking facts, “Listen, your dad is trying to kill me and he knows you love me, so he isn’t going to tell you anything. I promise you, he wants me dead.” They devise a plan that David will hide in the closet (it’s a big stone in a field, but who’s counting). David is supposed to be in attendance at the New Moon Feast (super-gay), and the King knows this. He plans to stab David with his spear (mega-gay) and is just sitting there at the feast waiting for Davie to show up. When David is a no-show on the guest list, the King loses his ever-loving mind about it. The scriptures literally say that Saul has this thought, “Something must have happened to David to make him ceremonially unclean; surely he is unclean (1 Samuel 20:26).” *The spirit of Leslie Jordan descends from the heavens dressed like a little cherub* Well, sh+t! Whatever could David and Jonathan do in the fields that might have made them ceremonial unclean? I am glad you asked. The first time that they met, they made a covenant with each other where Jonathan got super naked. Well, they did that again (1 Samuel 20:16). Jonathan has one job at the feast: find out if his father still intends to kill David, and the answer is a resounding yes. In anger, Jonathan leaves the feast and heads to warn David.

Jonathan must relay the truth that his father wishes to end the life of the man that he loves. He shoots an arrow into the field to let David know he is in danger. The scriptures say, "David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together, but David wept the most (1 Samuel 20:41).” I know this scene; many of you do too. That heartbreaking reality is that you live in a society that is not going to accept the love that you have with someone who means more to you than anything in the world. I can see them both as David watches that arrow fly, his heartbreaking. He rushes out of the field, unashamed, and they embrace. As their cheeks glide across each other's faces, David, panting from the run, their lips lock in a moment of soul-crushing intimacy.

Jonathan’s father, full of jealousy, conspiracy, and bigotry, has finally broken apart these two who are soul-bonded together. They had so many plans; they wished to raise their children together (1 Samuel 20:42) and for Jonathan to be like David’s queen (1 Samuel 23:17), with David acting as the King of Israel but Jonathan leading alongside him. There was so much hope on the horizon, but at that moment, they knew it was all crashing down around them. After they parted ways, they met one final time. Again, Jonathan goes to David to rescue him from the evil his father wished to do. It says that Jonathan warned him, and for the third time, they “make a covenant together before the Lord.” If I am being honest, I am beginning to think that covenant is a euphemism here. I imagine that it was much like the first covenant. Jonathan removes his robe, his tunic, and unsheathes his sword. After consummating their covenant, David stayed where he was hiding, and Jonathan returned home.

This is goodbye.

Months later, with the favor of the Lord having left Saul and the anointing now upon David, Saul embarks on a battle with Jonathan faithfully serving by his father’s side. However, both men are struck down on the battlefield. Jonathan dies on the field, and the king sometime later after a failed suicide attempt that is ultimately finished off by another soldier. This soldier runs to David with the crown to declare the fall of Saul and the new reign of David as King. The young soldier approaches the new king, and he says, “Where have you come from?”

“I escaped from the Israelite camp.” The young man responds.

“Please, tell me what happened?” David asks.

“It was bloodshed; the men fled the battlefield,” The soldier explains, “Many more died, and the King has fallen. So has his son, Jonathan.”

David’s heart sinks into his stomach, “How do you know this? How do you know that Jonathan is gone?”

“I was there. I saw everything.”

David rips his clothing, falling to the ground, he screams. In his anger and rage, he commands the young soldier to be killed for his part in bringing about the end of his father-in-law. When David regains himself, it says that he went away to write a poem about the loss of his Jonathan, his soul mate, the man that he loved. He titled the song The Lament of the Bow in honor of Jonathan being an archer. David’s first decree as the newly anointed King was that all of the subjects of his domain must learn the song and never forget Jonathan. An interesting aside, the scriptures say that this song was recorded in the Book of Jashar, a long-lost book of the Bible that no longer exists. But you don’t really care for music, do ya? Well, it goes like this:

“Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Jonathan lies slain on your heights. How I grieve for you, Jonathan. You were so very dear to me. Your love for me was wondrous, more beautiful than that of a woman.” - 2 Samuel 1:25-26

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

---

This is the story of Jonathan and David. For many of us, this may sound very similar to our own experience with coming out. You know this pain all too well, and you do not need to be convinced that this love between the prince and the pauper was more than a platonic friendship. Instead, allow me to say that I am so sorry that you grew up in a world where this was hidden, and David was whitewashed into a womanizer who had more in common with Bill Clinton than Harvey Milk. Much like Jonathan, maybe you had a father who would rather disown you than accept you. Perhaps you grew up in a household where you also feared that your parents would kill the person that you loved if they ever found out. I know it is a bitter consolation, but you have a kindred in David and Jonathan.

Now, to those of you who are reading this and are seething, please take a moment to ask yourself who you are in this story. The scripture is clear: the spirit of God left Saul but called David “a man after my own heart.” Do you see yourself in Saul? Do you see his rage, anger, hatred, resentment, jealousy, fear, and how it drove him mad? His hatred for the love that existed between Jonathan and David was so strong that he lost it all. I am inviting you in this moment to repentance. It is not too late to join the right side of history.

You can turn away from this evil. Maybe you are the parent who has threatened violence or has kicked your children out of the house, thinking you’ve done well. Listen, I am not saying it will be easy. You will have a lot of work to do in order to regain trust. But it is not too late. Perhaps you are reading this and thinking, “My kid killed themselves because of what I have done; it is too late for me.” Yes, it is too late for you to repair that relationship. Hopefully, there is an afterlife, and your child is living in peace, in the loving embrace of Jonathan and David, who have taken them in as one of those many children they had hoped to raise together. Yet, there are so many organizations you could join now, children needing a home, and adults needing elders like you in their lives. There is still hope for you to undo the wrongs you have committed. This can be a story of redemption; it does not have to end this way anymore.

Pray with me, “God, I have allowed my heart to be hardened like Saul. I believed the words of men over the Word of God and allowed fear to rule my life. I chose to believe that love was dirty, but today, I recommit my life to holding sacred the love that Jonathan and David shared. I will make a covenant today to be the type of parent, sibling, partner, or friend that will be a safe space. I repent before you for not seeing that what David and Jonathan shared was sacred and good before your eyes. Please forgive me this trespass and provide me, like you did with Paul, the opportunity to love those I once persecuted. Because whatever I have done wrong to your siblings, I have done to you. Amen.