It turns out Christians have always hated the Olympics, with one notable exception: Paul

Before I was a priest, I spent a lot of time in theater. That’s right—yours truly was a full-blown theater kid. Long before I ever took up chanting, I would roam the halls of our local community theater, singing show tunes from such notable plays as Rent and Annie. Little did I know at the time, that all of this getting over stage fright would become very helpful in my future, albeit short-lived, profession as a clergyman. 

My best friend, Houston, and I often would be cast in plays together. I am not sure that this is because we were particularly good or anything, but mostly because we were the only two straight-passing dudes hanging around Theaterland. This was helpful for the directors who cast us so that we could seem at least somewhat believable when waking up Snow White from her slumber. After rehearsals, we would typically get a drink and pizza together. One such evening, my bestie and I made our way to a local pub. We did not realize that it was sports ball season. I cannot remember what denomination of sports it was, but they were being played upon all of the television sets in the bar, and many Kyles were present in their khaki pants and polo shirts. One of these gentlemen looked at the end of the bar at me and my buddy.

“Are you wearing makeup?” One of the bros inquired with extreme judgment in his voice.

“Yes.” My friend said.

“Are y’all f+gs or something?”

My friend cracked his knuckles under the barstool and went into a glorious rant, “You are watching football, right?”

“Yes,” the guy responded. Thankfully, Houston knew something about sports. Now we know it was football.

“As I understand it, the object of the sport is that you are supposed to chase a man around in tight tights so that you can steal his balls. If he does well, then you slap him on the ass. If he does really well, then you give him a ring. Then, when y’all are all done, you take showers together, and no girls are allowed in the dressing rooms. Whereas we are tasked with kissing girls on stage and we all use the same dressing rooms. Then again, I guess your teams also wear makeup,” he said as he pointed toward a player wearing face paint.

That was the day that we learned we could, in fact, outrun the jocks.

Unholy Sh+t

Matthew 26:17-30

Special Olympics Edition

As the Olympic Games continue, Christians are finding new and exciting ways to be outraged about *checks notes* everything. First, we began with the controversy surrounding the fundies, not knowing that they stole much of their symbolism from Bacchanalia and assumed that the opening ceremonies were mocking the Last Supper. Now, the “we can always tell” crowd suddenly doesn’t know how to define a woman, either. As the Christians rant and rave about how evil the Olympics have become, it turns out that they are really just going back to their roots. Many of the Early Church Fathers spoke out against the Games and disparaged them. The earliest Constitution of the Church prohibited those who participated in the Olympics from being baptized:

“If the following persons come to be baptized, whether they are men or women, let them leave of their employments or else be rejected: someone who belongs to the theatre, charioteers, or Olympic gamesters, or one who plays at those games on the pipe, lute, or harp.”

Apostolic Constitution, 390

Tertullian also despised the Olympics and described them as such, “It has become clear in Africa, too, as to what enthusiasm the world celebrates those games: the combative festivals and superstitious contests of the Greeks. They involve both forms of worship and pleasure.”

Clement of Alexandria decried them because “The Olympian games are nothing more than the funeral sacrifices of Pelops; apparently, the mysterious games are held in honor of the dead.” 

Not only did the early Christian leaders really hate the Olympics, but they despised sports in general. Then again, they also hated the theater, so you were f+cked either way, whether you were a geek or a jock. Pretty much, they despised all things fun: sex, drugs, sports, theater, music, and food sacrificed to idols. Like, what is even f+cking left, ya know? Well, they didn’t really care because they were all focused on being “righteous” and other unfun hobbies. Being too busy to care about enjoying the best of life also made them some of the earliest examples of ignoring the sh+t the Bible actually said and placing at the only competition that Christians could consistently win if it were ever added to the Olympics: hypocrisy.

For example, Paul said, “Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches... each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them (1st Corinthians 7:17-20).” This makes the remarks of the Apostolic Constitution concerning not baptizing Olympians in stark contrast with the words of the scripture. Another moment of amusement in the rigorous sport of hypocrisy is that it seems that though the early Christians were admonished with these words, “You are also to avoid their public meetings and those sports that are celebrated by them (Apostolic Constitution).” Forgetting the frequent use of they/them pronouns often used by the Early Church aside, they really, really, really f+cking hated sports. 

Then along came Pauly.

Saint Paul, that is, whose name was changed from Saul, which has been remarkably respected by the Church for some odd reason, considering they don’t think anyone else should be allowed to do it other than, well, Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, and Simon to Peter, but other than those folks, no one else is allowed to use pronouns or change their name. But I digress; Paul really liked sports. He was kind of like that pastor obsessed with sports, so they always make sports ball references during every f+cking sermon.

*Paul clears his throat, begins in youth pastor voice*

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

“Do you not know that in a race, all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” 

1 Timothy 4:8

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” 

2 Timothy 2:5

“Similarly, anyone who competes as an athlete does not receive the victor’s crown except by competing according to the rules.”

Hebrews 12:1-2

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”

Philippians 3:14

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” 

Galatians 6:9

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up.” 

It seems that, for the most part, the Early Christians abhorred sports ball too but not in that theater kid kind of way, but because they didn’t understand them. They had wild speculations even back then concerning the Olympic Games and encouraged their followers not to enjoy them. A rule, it seems, that most modern Christians have ignored. Instead, they have repeatedly continued to both enjoy and participate in the Games. One notable example of this would be Eric Liddell, who, having not checked the calendar for the Olympic Games, refused to run his race on a Sunday because it was “Lord's Day,” and this defiance resulted in his getting an academy-nominated movie based in part on his life. 

Christians have always had a complicated relationship with sports; this is nothing new. They have decried the games and then, when accepted into them, have chosen to find persecution in everything surrounding the sports.

Listen, I think I have made it pretty clear that I am not a sports guy, and that’s true: five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes or however you measure, measure a year. Even in an Olympic year. But my despising of sports has nothing to do with my faith; it’s just not my bag. I love for everyone else who does enjoy them to have something they love, are entertained by, or get to participate in. If I enjoy anything from The Games, it is all of the lovely photos of smiling faces whenever an Olympian achieves a goal they have strived so hard for. It seems that Paul also took pleasure in that. This is why he used so many references to running and winning the races, because he understood that this is a good feeling. I too understand this, so I don’t take any enjoyment in trying to dampen someone else’s experience of that joy.

I am glad that you are having fun, even if I don’t get it.

I don’t have to get it; you get it, and I am happy for you.

That your team wins, or whatever, that’s amazing.

I am not sure what Jesus thought about sports; he was an academic, devoting his life to the scriptures and preaching in the synagogues. He didn’t seem to have much of an opinion on the subject of sports ball either. If I were to take a wager on the subject, I bet Jesus was a theater kid, too. There is lots of evidence for it, considering that he had a lot of roommates, was a wine drinker, and seemingly preferred John to Mary Magdalene, but that’s a tale for another time. The point is that Jesus didn’t really hold an opinion on the subject, and if he did, the disciples didn’t find it interesting enough to write down in any text that has been canonized. However, God does seem to have a lot to say concerning how we treat each other. 

For example, it says, “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor (Exodus 20:16),” but that has not stopped folks from saying horrific things about Imane Khelif and making false claims against her.

Conservative Christians are screaming from the rooftops for apologies surrounding the opening ceremonies, but Jesus said, “I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44).” This means that even if the opening ceremonies were a direct attack on Christianity, which it wasn’t, then the response to that alleged persecution is off base. Instead, Christians are told that we should “not be afraid of what you are about to suffer… you will suffer persecution. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown (Revelation 2:10).” Oh, what’s that, another sports ball reference in the Bible telling Christians to shut up about persecution? Well, isn’t that special? Christians aren’t supposed to get special protections; they are supposed to take up their cross and follow Jesus.

Basically, what I am saying is that the early Christians understood that the Olympics were in celebration of other gods, so they didn’t participate. Now that they want to participate, they are angry that the sports that were always about the Greek gods aren’t centered on their favorite God, who they think could beat up all the other gods, if their god participated in the games, but they don’t, because The Games aren’t about Him and He’s a bit of a narcissist… oh wait, Narcissus was also a Greek god. Whatever, you get the f+cking point.

As the Conservative Christians win the gold in weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth, Jesus was very clear about what we are supposed to be doing if we are to actually follow in his footsteps: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” The second is this: “Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” If that is the race we are supposed to be winning this Olympic season, I am afraid that Christianity has come in last.